Remember those sandals you thought were the height of fashion? Well, fashion moves faster than we can walk in those uncomfortable shoes! As your personal fashion confidante, I’ve compiled the ultimate list of sandal styles that desperately need to retire. Get ready to clean out your closet and upgrade your summer footwear game with this brutally honest guide.
1. Plastic Jelly Sandals
Oh, how those colorful plastic nightmares once dominated our childhoods! They trap sweat, create blisters, and make that embarrassing squeaky noise with every step.
Though nostalgic, they belong in the ’90s memory box, not on your feet in 2023.
2. Sky-High Cork Platforms
Honey, those towering cork platforms aren’t giving you height—they’re giving you ankle injuries! Walking in them resembles a newborn giraffe taking its first steps.
While dramatic, these wobbly wonders have toppled from grace faster than their wearers tumble down stairs.
3. Bedazzled Flip-Flops
If your sandals could be spotted from space, they’re probably those gem-encrusted flip-flops from 2005! The rhinestones always fall off, leaving a sad trail of lost sparkle.
Truth bomb: they weren’t even comfortable to begin with.
4. Chunky Velcro Tourist Sandals
Nothing screams “I’ve given up on fashion” quite like those orthopedic-looking sandals with three Velcro straps! Though they might be comfortable, they’re relationship repellents.
If you’re not actually hiking through rough terrain, there’s absolutely no excuse for wearing these eyesores.
5. Kitten Heel Sandals
Neither here nor there, these awkward little heels offer zero height advantage while still managing to be uncomfortable! The stubby heel looks like it’s afraid to commit.
Why torture yourself with something that provides all the disadvantages of heels with none of the glamour?
6. Toe Ring Sandals
Whoever invented sandals with built-in toe rings clearly never wore them for more than five minutes! The constant friction creates blisters that’ll have you hobbling by lunchtime.
Plus, they showcase toes in the most unflattering way possible—even with a fresh pedicure.
7. Furry Pool Slides
However did we convince ourselves that waterproof shoes covered in faux fur made sense? They get soggy, smelly, and matted faster than you can say “fashion mistake.”
These bizarre hybrids belong neither at the pool nor anywhere else in public view.
8. Socks With Sandals Combo
Despite desperate attempts by high-fashion brands to resurrect this look, pairing socks with sandals remains the ultimate style crime! Your feet either want to be warm or they want to be free.
This indecisive approach pleases nobody and makes you look like a confused tourist.
9. Gladiator Sandals Above The Knee
Unless you’re literally Russell Crowe in a historical epic, those knee-high gladiator straps need to go! They create weird tan lines and take forever to put on.
Plus, they cut off circulation faster than skinny jeans in a hot yoga class.
10. Sneaker-Sandal Hybrids
These confused footwear items can’t decide what they want to be! Half sneaker, half sandal, all hideous—they provide neither the support of athletic shoes nor the breeziness of proper sandals.
They’re the mullet of footwear: trying to serve two purposes and failing at both.
11. Extreme Flatforms
Imagine walking on two loaves of bread—that’s what wearing those massive flatform sandals feels like! They’re clunky, heavy, and make your feet look twice their actual size.
Despite adding inches to your height, they somehow manage to shorten your legs visually.
12. Thong Sandals With Heels
The worst of both worlds! These monstrosities combine the toe discomfort of flip-flops with the instability of high heels. Your toes grip for dear life with every step.
That painful piece between your toes wasn’t meant to support your entire body weight while elevated!
13. Oversized Buckle Sandals
Those enormous decorative buckles aren’t fooling anyone—they’re just extra weight on your feet! They clank against floors, get caught on everything, and scream “trying too hard.”
Plus, they’re impossible to adjust properly, leaving you with either circulation-cutting tightness or flip-flopping looseness.
14. Rainbow Rubber Flip-Flops
Those multicolored rubber flip-flops belong at the beach—period! They offer zero arch support and look like you grabbed them from a discount bin.
Despite their cheerful colors, there’s nothing happy about the foot pain they cause after walking more than a block.
15. Overly Strappy Sandals
If putting them on requires an instruction manual, those multi-strapped sandals need to go! They create bizarre tan lines that make your feet look like zebras by summer’s end.
Not to mention the frustration of untangling that spaghetti mess every time you want to wear them.