Hair trends come and go faster than you can say ‘permanent wave,’ but some styles have remarkable staying power. I’ve been wielding scissors for over two decades, and I still see women walking into my salon clutching photos from 1985. These beloved but outdated hairstyles have become signature looks for an entire generation, cherished and defended with the same passion as secret family pie recipes.
1. The Sky-High Bouffant
Honey, if your hair reaches toward heaven with enough hairspray to deplete the ozone layer, we need to talk. Your bouffant might have turned heads in 1962, but now it’s just turning emergency sprinklers on.
Time to lower those heights and embrace gravity – your neck will thank you.
2. The Helmet Hair Perm
Ah, the helmet perm – so tight you could bounce a quarter off those curls! While your grandkids might think it’s hilarious to test this theory, those chemical-fried ringlets aren’t doing you any favors.
Though impressively resilient against hurricane-force winds, this look screams 1977, not 2023.
3. The Dorothy Hamill Wedge
Remember when everyone and their mother wanted to look like an Olympic ice skater? That wedge cut was revolutionary in 1976!
However, unless you’re actually Dorothy Hamill, this severe angled bob with those sharp, precise lines belongs in a museum of sports nostalgia, not framing your beautiful face in 2023.
4. The Feathered Farrah Flip
Bless your heart for still flipping and feathering those layers like it’s 1976! While Farrah Fawcett’s iconic ‘do made television history, your dedication to blow-drying each section with a round brush is borderline heroic.
Unfortunately, those feathered wings haven’t taken flight since the Carter administration.
5. The Aqua-Net Bangs
Where do I start with those skyscraper bangs? Teased to defy physics and frozen in place with enough Aqua-Net to be classified as construction material.
Though I admire your commitment to height (and upper arm strength from all that teasing), these 80s mall bangs are less ‘stylish statement’ and more ‘fire hazard warning.’
6. The Blunt-Cut Bob With Ruler-Straight Bangs
Though I appreciate mathematical precision as much as the next stylist, your geometric bob with those unforgivingly straight bangs cuts more than just hair – it slices years of potential style evolution.
Straight lines work wonderfully for architecture, darling, but faces benefit from softness and movement.
7. The Poodle Perm
Sweet mercy, those tight curls haven’t seen a comb since the Reagan administration! Your poodle perm might have been all the rage when Dynasty was on television, but times have changed.
Unlike fine wine, this style hasn’t improved with age – it’s just gotten crunchier and more triangular.
8. The Frosted Tips Pixie
While I appreciate your dedication to those chunky blonde highlights on your spiky pixie, we left frosted tips back in the boy band era for good reason. Those harsh platinum pieces against darker hair create more contrast than a political debate.
Perhaps it’s time to defrost this look from 1998.
9. The Mushroom Cut
Darling, your hair shouldn’t share a silhouette with fungi! That rounded bowl shape with the undercut might have been revolutionary when The Beatles wore it, but now it’s just circumscribing your lovely features.
Let’s release your face from this portobello prison and find something that doesn’t scream ‘fifth grade picture day.’
10. The Mall Mullet
Business in front, party in back? More like confusion all around! Your dedicated maintenance of that short-on-top, long-in-back situation shows admirable consistency, but honey, even country music stars have moved on.
The 80s called – they’d like their hairstyle contradiction back.
11. The Crispy Curls
I can hear those crunchy curls from across the room! Your dedication to scrunching mousse into those rigid, ramen-noodle spirals every morning deserves some kind of endurance award.
However, modern curls have evolved beyond that shellacked, don’t-touch-me texture that defined the early 90s.
12. The Matronly Poof
That rounded crown poof sitting atop your otherwise flat hair reminds me of a turtle poking out of its shell. While voluminous crowns were the hallmark of sophisticated ladies in the 80s, today’s version looks more like an architectural mishap.
Let’s deflate that bubble and distribute the volume more naturally.
13. The Pageboy With Rolled Under Ends
Your dedication to achieving that perfect flip under with a round brush and hairdryer every morning is commendable! However, those meticulously rolled-under ends forming a perfect helmet around your jawline haven’t been on trend since shoulder pads were workplace attire.
Let’s free those ends from their curled prison!
14. The Solid-Color Dye Job
That single-process color in unmistakable burgundy (or jet black, or golden blonde) isn’t fooling anyone, darling. The flat, one-dimensional shade from roots to ends creates an effect that’s more plastic wig than natural glamour.
Modern color should have depth and dimension, just like your wonderful personality!
15. The Excessive Side Part Comb-Over
Starting your part somewhere near your ear doesn’t create the illusion of fuller hair – it just creates questions. That extreme side part with hair swept dramatically across your crown is less ‘elegant solution’ and more ‘windstorm waiting to happen.’
Let’s find a more balanced approach to addressing thinning areas.
16. The Stiff Updo With Decorative Combs
Your French twist, secured with seventeen bobby pins and those ornate decorative combs, certainly makes a statement – specifically, ‘I haven’t changed my special occasion hairstyle since 1973.’ While I admire the architectural stability, this style screams formal church social, not modern sophistication.
Let’s loosen things up!
17. The Curled-and-Sprayed Church Crown
Your Sunday best shouldn’t include hair that could withstand gale-force winds! That meticulously set and sprayed crown of curls might have been the pinnacle of sophistication for church in 1965, but today it reads more ‘time capsule’ than ‘timeless elegance.’
Modern worship doesn’t require fossilized follicles, I promise.